I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
