i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
