remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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