batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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