: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
