so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
