I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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