everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
