I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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