So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
