He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
