I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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