Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
