I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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