I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize