Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
