mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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