Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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