By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
