I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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