all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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