Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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