Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize