if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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