try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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