when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
