if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
