i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
