I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
