btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
