I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
