I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
