I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
