I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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