she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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