It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
