Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
