and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
