I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
