moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
