Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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