I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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