My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
