dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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