I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You pole danced in your parka.
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