He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
