so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
People with herpes should wear stickers.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
