The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize