my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
