haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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