I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
