My Higher Power is John Stamos
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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