turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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