Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm too high and old for this...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
