He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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