i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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