Barsexuality is the new black.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
