After last night, I could never be a politician.
honey bunches of taint.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
