I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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