Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize