I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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