Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
