Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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