I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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