My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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