oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
