Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize