I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
