How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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