I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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